Why Criminals Make Good Fathers
by Atama Ga Kuru Teru
Summary: Three-shot sequel to "Why Criminals Make Bad Teachers"! So, how do the girls and their guys fare as parents? Read and find out! One chapter for each crazy heroine and their Akatsuki guy!
1. Chapter 1

_**Why Criminals Make Good Fathers**_

_**Hey guys~! We decided to make a three-shot sequel to "Why Criminals Make Bad Teachers"! It features the girls and their Akatsuki guys dealing with being parents. First up are Yuki and Deidara! Enjoy! There'll be one chapter for each couple, so that makes three. See? I can count! XD**_

"Mommy~! Daddy~!" A young blonde haired little girl with purple streaks yelled in a sing-song tone of voice. "Ichigo wants to play!"

"Ichigo sweetie, not now. We're busy." Yuki apologized, patting her daughter's head. "Daddy and I have work to do."

"Hmph! Like wrestling in bed again?" Ichigo huffed.

Deidara and Yuki gaped and stared at their child in astonishment, and then each of them turned completely red.

"Ichigo, where did you see us doing that?" Yuki demanded.

"Last week when you and Daddy came home from your mission. You thought I was asleep, because that's what Uncle Sasori said. But I wanted to tell you I missed you! And then I walked by your room, and I saw your through the door wrestling with each other in bed! Daddy won, I think!" Ichigo looked proud as she explained her adventure. "You didn't see me, so Ichigo must be a ninja!" (you all got that right?)

Deidara took Ichigo by the hand. "Ichigo, if you ever see Mommy and Daddy….'wrestling' again, go straight to your room, un."

"A-am I in trouble?" Ichigo whimpered, her green eyes widening in sorrow and welling up in big tears. "Ichigo is sorry!"

"No, no, honey! We just don't want you to see us, un." Deidara soothed. "A little girl your age shouldn't be introduced to violence so early."

"…oh. Ok!" Ichigo hugged Deidara. "I get it Daddy!"

"Aw…my daughter is so adorable, un!" Deidara squeezed Ichigo tightly, his eyes going starry-eyed. "Yuki, we made a great kid!"

"Dei-Dei, don't let her hear that!" Yuki laughed, joining in on the hug. "Then she'll ask about the birds and the bees."

"Ack! Ichigo can't breathe!" Ichigo gasped through her parent's embrace.

"Sorry, un!" Deidara and Yuki let their daughter go. "We just love you so much!"

"Ichigo loves Mommy and Daddy too! And I love Uncle Sasori, and Uncle Tobi, and Uncle Itachi, and Uncle Hidan, and Aunt Shizuka, and Aunt Zenaku, and Uncle Zetsu, and Uncle Kakuzu, and Uncle Kisame, and Uncle Pein, and Aunt Konan, and Uncle Sasuke, and Aunt Kagami, and…and…and Emi, and Yoru, and Tomatsu!" Ichigo finished with a big gasp for air. "Ichigo loves everyone!"

"Yes, Ichigo, we can tell!" Yuki laughed and stroked her daughter's hair. "You're so like me when I was little!"

"Ichigo isn't little! Ichigo is a big girl!" Ichigo huffed, crossing her arms.

"Oh yes, you are, un." Deidara nodded. "And you know what big girls do?"

"What?" Ichigo leaned in close to her father in anticipation.

"Big girls let their parents fill out the forms for their missions, un. So just run along, ok?" Deidara smiled as Ichigo glared at him.

"Daddy, that's not funny!" The girl whined, clinging to his leg. "You've been really busy lately, I miss you!"

"We know, Ichi-chan." Yuki picked up her daughter and tickled her till the little girl giggled. "But we're just really busy. There's been an influx of crimes lately."

"What does in-in…in… 'een-phooks' mean?" Ichigo asked, trying to say the word.

"It means 'a lot'."

"So there's been a lot of crimes?"

"Yes."

"Then why didn't you just say 'a lot' instead of 'influx'?" Ichigo demanded.

Yuki giggled. "Because…I like to use big words."

"Mommy!"

"Sorry Ichi-chan," Yuki giggled nervously. "I'll make it up to you tomorrow. We'll get ice cream, okay?"

"Ice cream~! YAY~!" Ichigo jumped up and down happily. "Ok Mommy! I'll leave you and Daddy alone now!" The little girl ran off to play in her room, singing happily about ice cream.

Deidara and Yuki sighed in relief once their daughter was out of sight. "So, our little girl saw us…'wrestling', un?" Deidara joked, kissing his wife on the cheek. "Let's hope it didn't scar her."

"I'm sure it didn't But Ichigo was wrong…I was the one who won. Not you." Yuki smirked pervertedly at Deidara.

"Keep telling yourself that, Yuki."

"I will."

"You know, you've changed a lot, un." Deidara changed the subject awhile later when the two were filling out their ANBU mission reports. "You're calmer."

"Well, I kind of have to be. I'm a mom now. I can't be known as the 'Hyper ANBU' forever." Yuki sighed. "I love Ichigo, but sometimes I wish things like it when we didn't have a kid."

"I know what you mean. I miss those days too, un." Deidara nodded. "But Ichigo is the greatest thing that ever happened to me. After you, that is."

"Suck up." Yuki grinned and hugged Deidara.

"I can suck down too, un."

"Deidara! That was uncalled for!"

"But you thought it was funny, didn't you?"

"…yes."

"Hah-hah! I know you so well, un." Deidara kissed Yuki, and the two returned to their boring paperwork.

That is, until a high-pitched squeal entered the room: "Mommy, Daddy! Next time you two wrestle, can Ichigo decide who wins?"

Deidara and Yuki sighed and looked at their daughter, both of them sweatdropping. "Oh Ichigo…"

_**So, did you like it? I'm sorry it was short, I couldn't think of anything….T_T**_

_**We miss you guys! And we miss writing "Why Criminals Make Bad Teachers".**_

_**So that's why we decided to do this!  
Anyway, this was written by Yuki.**_

_**Review, and remember to check out our profile for any more new fanfics we may be putting up!  
LOVE YOU ALL! **_


	2. Chapter 2

**WCMGF**

**Chapter 2 **(yeah, we know it hasn't been updated for a while, so deal with it. We couldn't think of anything)

-Itachi and Shizuka-

There was tension in the air; Shizuka could feel it as she watched the two men in her life- Itachi and her son Tamotsu- stare each other down at the dinner table. It was dessert time and there was one dango left… which was a huge crisis in both Itachi's and Tamotsu's eyes. They both wanted it, and there was no way that they would share.

Shizuka glanced nervously back in forth between her husband and son. Even though this situation happened almost every day, it still worried her every time she watched.

"I should have the last dango, Father!" Tamotsu stated. His father sent him an almost amused glare.

"Son, when I was your age, I got dango only once a month. I deserve this, besides, I 'm your elder. When you have kids, then you can take the last dango for yourself, but until then, eat more of your vegetables and pretend it's dango," Itachi said with a commanding voice. Shizuka shook her head, and hit her palm against her forehead. Sometimes, she wondered if Itachi loved dango more than his son, but she always quickly dismissed that thought. She knew it could never be true.

"But Father, that could take forever to get to your old age!" Tamotsu protested. Shizuka smiled, showing her amusement.

Itachi turned to his son, "Tamotsu, I am only 27. That's a perfectly _young_ age."

"Itachi dear, he is your son. Every child thinks of their parent as being old. Could you just once let him have the last one?" Shizuka asked.

Itachi raised his eyebrow at her, "Shizuka, he needs to learn patience. Right now, I am teaching him that."

"By keeping dessert away from him?"

"Yes."

"Well, maybe you both will learn patience today then," Shizuka stated. She grabbed the dango off of the plate, and threw it out the window.

"Shizuka!"

"Mom!"

"I'm sorry boys, it had to be done."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Itachi and Tamotsu ran outside to see where it had landed, only to see a stray dog carrying it away.

"Why, Shizuka, why?" Itachi shouted back at the house.

"Because, I wanted to test my abilities, besides, your stomachs were too… WEAK!" Shizuka laughed evilly, "They weren't worth feeding!"

"Hey stop making fun of me! I can hear you know!" Sasuke yelled from an open window of a nearby house. He stuck his head out the window and glared at his family, who were laughing their heads off, "I was only… uh, seven… I think. But still, stop making fun of that night!"

"Oh, come on, Uncle Sasuke, we were only having fun," Tamotsu said. He gave a small innocent cute face. Sasuke sighed, his nephew was just too cute.

"Aw, our son is so cute!" Shizuka want up and hugged Tamotsu.

"Yes, yes he is," Itachi said, joining the hug, "Personally, I think he takes after me."

"Oh come on, just because he has your black, beautiful eyes does not mean you are the reason he looks cute. He's cute because he has my smile," Shizuka said haughtily.

"Whatever, you can think that."

"Mother, Father, I think you too are wrong. I look cute cause' I'm a big boy!" Tamotsu told them proudly.

"Yes, you are," Shizuka agreed, kissing the three-year-old on the head.

"Yes, someday, you will make us very proud, even more proud than we are now," Itachi told him.

"I love you Mom and Dad!" Tamotsu grinned.

"We love you too, son," Itachi said, "We love you too."

**Well, that's the end of that chapter. And I don't care if it's short. Deal with it. None of us here at Atama ga kuru teru own Naruto.**


	3. Chapter 3

_**YAY! FINALLY! The last installment of "Why Criminals Make Good Fathers"! This is Yuki, because Rose-chan was busy. So I uploaded and finished her chapter. Hope it meets your guys' needs, and we're sorry for such a late update!**_

"OH MY EFFING JASHIN!" A twenty-two year old mother of two screamed, staring at one of those things you use to check if you're pregnant, a look of horror etched into her pale face. The result was positive. No doubt. Zenaku Kuroyami was pregnant. Again.  
"Dammit." She swore lowly, "I told Hidan to use protection! I TOLD HIM!"  
A frightened voice came from outside the bathroom door.  
"Mama? Mama, what wrong?" Zenaku's daughter Yoru cried, panicking, and she thumped the locked door with her small hands, "MAMA!"  
"Nothing pet, nothing!" Zenaku called, hiding the note of hysteria in her voice. She unlocked the door and closed it behind her, bending down to hug her two year-old daughter.  
"Why were you screaming?" Yoru asked, hiding in her mother's arms.  
"You've….." Zenaku swallowed, feeling her eyes prick with unexpected tears, "You've got another sibling on the way."  
Yoru's dark purple eyes searched her mother's ice-blue orbs silently. After a few seconds, Yoru beamed, all worry gone.  
"That's great Mama!" She exclaimed excitedly.  
"I know." Zenaku forced a smile, "Don't tell anyone though, okay? I want to keep it a surprise."  
Yoru bobbed her head obediently, humming.  
"I promise Mama!" Yoru skipped off, and Zenaku heard her whisper, "I wonder where Tamotsu-kun is…"  
Zenaku couldn't help but let a small, amused grin cross her face. But her smile soon faltered when she thought of her lover and husband, Hidan.  
She ran a hand through her short, dark blue hair, and winced when she felt the place where her Edward Elric hair antenna had once been.  
Emi had yanked it out when she was younger, and it never grew back. Zenaku let her hand fall to her side, and she inhaled sharply, rubbing the bridge of her nose nervously.  
"I can't do this…." She whispered, and looked down at her stomach. There was a small bump, and she ran her fingers over it in slight wonder, "I don't what to do, little baby….how do I tell Hidan?"  
She breathed in shakily.  
"I guess I should just tell him…he'd be sleeping right about now, he just got back from a mission…."  
Zenaku walked towards their bedroom with a feeling of dread. Slowly, she opened the walnut door and closed it behind her. Hidan was sprawled on the bed, staring at the ceiling. His hair was disheveled, he had just woken up. He glanced up and grinned at Zenaku, who walked over to him silently and sat beside him, her body sinking into the comfortable mattress.  
"Welcome back Dan-Dan." Zenaku said, a small smile on her lips at the relief seeing him.  
"Zen-chan." Hidan nuzzled her neck, wrapping his arms around her. Slowly he trailed soft kisses down her neck and collarbone. Zenaku shivered.  
I should tell him later, he'll be in a better mood then…. She thought.  
Hidan kissed her on the lips, their tongues battled for possession, but Hidan won, as usual. Zenaku couldn't help but moan, her eyes closing in pleasure. Slowly, Hidan pulled the covers over them, undoing the buttons on Zenaku's shirt. Her shirt hit the floor, then her bra, then the rest of their clothes.  
"I love you Hidan." Zenaku breathed.  
"I love you too Zenaku."

*-*-*

Zenaku pulled her clothes back on, and Hidan did the same. She then perched on the bed stiffly. Hidan looked at her, a worried look on her face.  
"Hidan…." Zenaku took a deep breath, "Hidan, I'm pregnant."  
Hidan stared at her mutely.  
"What….the f**k?" He finally said.  
"I'm having your baby." Zenaku said quietly.

Silence.

And then….  
"OH MY JASHIN, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED A SON!"  
Zenaku started laughing, worry and tension leaving her body.  
"What if it's a girl, hm?" She choked out between giggles.  
"Then you'll have another one." Hidan said in a matter-of-face way.  
Zenaku's eyes widened.  
"…Say what?"  
Hidan chuckled and said nothing.  
"I love you all, you know." Zenaku said calmly, wrapping her arms around her legs, and she looked at Hidan with such an open, truthful face it made him wince.  
"I love you Hidan. I love Emi and Yoru, and I don't ever regret having them. I love Shizuka and Yuki, and I hope that we'll always be friends. I love everyone."  
She smiled a small, sweet smile.  
"But will I have any more room to love anyone else?" She placed her hands on her stomach, "I really hope so."  
Hidan kissed her nose.  
"Of course you will." He said, putting his hands on top of Zenaku's, "You've got the biggest f**king heart in the world."  
Zenaku's face broke into a wide, hyper grin that made dimples appear in her cheeks.  
"Great way to ruin the moment Dan-Dan." She said in amusement.  
Hidan blinked at her innocently. Zenaku shook with silent sniggers.  
"You're a lot calmer now." Hidan stated, "You don't run around screaming randomly."  
"I'm a mother Hidan." Zenaku said, and she stared up at the ceiling, "I was only eighteen when I had Emi, it really shook me up. I had to be responsible, you know? After Emi nearly died because I was out being hyper and she was freezing in her cot….it made me feel awful Hidan. If it wasn't for Kakuzu….she wouldn't be here. I vowed to be a better mum."  
Zenaku was silent, her lips were trembling. Hidan pulled her to his chest.  
"You're the world's f**king greatest mother Zen-chan." Hidan said firmly, looking her in the eye.  
Zenaku pecked him on the cheek.  
"I know." She laughed, "I'd better go cook dinner."  
"Ribs?" Hidan asked hopefully.  
Zenaku nodded.  
"Ribs." She answered, and got up, "I'll give you a shout when it's ready."  
"OH F**KING YEAH!" Hidan punched the air in triumph. Zenaku rolled her eyes.  
"Later Dan-Dan." She walked down to the kitchen, and grinned at Yuki who was trying to cook a tin of beans over the hob.  
"WORK DAMMIT!" Yuki yelled angrily.  
"….Yuki?" Zenaku asked hesitantly. Yuki turned around and laughed nervously, and moved in front of the cooker.  
"Oh, hey Zenaku!" She said, "I'm doing nothing! NOTHING AT ALL!"  
Zenaku raised an eyebrow.  
"You're cooking it wrong."  
"I-I am?"  
"Who're you even cooking for anyway?" Zenaku watched Yuki turn red with mild amusement.  
"I'm cooking for Deidara….and failing…" Yuki muttered dejectedly.

"Hahahaha!" Zenaku laughed. "Here, let me help." She pushed Yuki over and helped her cook. Finally, after a bout of silence, Zenaku blurted out, "I'm pregnant again."

"….OH MY GOD THAT IS AWESOME!" Yuki screeched and hugged her friend. "WE'RE CALLING SHIZUKA!" Yuki grabbed a phone, crazily dialed Shizuka's number, and screamed in the phone, "Zen-chan's pregnant again!"

"Really? That's good. I'm happy for her. Why are YOU the one telling me about it?" Shizuka asked.

"…because I love you?"

"Just put Zenaku on the phone ready." Shizuka sighed. Zenaku smirked and took the phone from a dejected Yuki, and said, "Yo! 'Sup, Shi-chan? Can you believe it? I get the most action outta all of you!"

"Just make sure you use the proper pregnancy techniques. Gotta go, I'm watching my son surpass his father in a fight for dango." With that, Shizuka hung up.  
"…that was weird." Zenaku shrugged. "Any who, time to go eat ribs!" She ran off, leaving Yuki alone with a burning stove. Yuki blinked, stared at the fire, and giggled. "Heh-heh. Zen-chan trusted me with fire. Bad idea."

_**~*~NINE MONTHS LATER~*~**_

"AGH! OH GOD! IT HURTS! I THINK THE FRICKING THING HAS CLAWS! MAKE IT ALL STOP!" Zenaku's screams could be heard throughout all the land. She screamed and yelled curse words as the doctors told her all the same stuff about breathing and pushing. And then finally, it happened.

Zenaku's second child was born after fourteen long hours of labor.

"It's a boy!" Hidan squealed like a girl. "I got a son! YES!"

"His name is Hikaru. Now gimme my son." Zenaku said tiredly. Hidan placed the baby in her arms, and she cooed to him, "Hello, little one. I'm your mama." The baby had silvery-blue hair with golden eyes, and was pale. But he seemed to be smiling, and bubbly. "You're one happy baby, aren't you?" Zenaku giggled. "I love you already."

"Thank you for giving me a son, Zenaku. I love you. Now can I have him back?" Hidan asked.

"F*** NO! I JUST WENT THROUGH FOURTEEN F***ING HOURS OF LABOR! SO NO, I WILL NOT GIVE YOU OUR NEW BORN SON!" Zenaku suddenly passed out, the exertion from her screaming coupled with giving birth evidently just too much for her.

"I get the kid now, right?" Hidan asked the doctors.

"…Yes?"  
"F*** YES!"

And so, Hidan taught his newborn son everything about Jashinism. Luckily, the baby didn't remember it.

Or else we'd all be dead.

_**TA-DA! It's done. It was awesome. I loved it. Bye-bye! I like cheese! :P**_


End file.
